A New Beginning

When I was young my parents got divorced. I don’t personally remember many of the troubles our household went through prior to the divorce, but I have since learned my father, Kurt, made many choices that tore my family apart.

Even though I didn’t fully understand what was happening I knew there were a lot of problems. I can visualize myself as a little boy chasing my parent’s car to the end of the road and then crying uncontrollably on the curb as the car drives out of sight. It was a very trying time for my family.

Divorce is hard on any kid and this divorce was particularly messy.  I often felt like a pawn in my parent’s game of chess. They both made choices that were difficult for me, as a child, to understand. In the end, Kurt signed away parental rights leaving my siblings and me without a father. 

The divorce had a profound effect on my life. I grew up fast and learned to be responsible at a young age. I was also often angry. I would like to say that I didn't need a father, but that would be a lie. The truth is my heart ached for a father. I had many great father figures as I grew up who had a strong influence on me, but they couldn't fill the hole that was left in my childhood.

As I grew up, there were many times I thought about Kurt. At first, I fantasized that my parents would reconcile and life would get back to normal. After I came to terms with the reality this would never happen, there were times I wished I could run away and have no parents. Other times I just wanted to scream at both of them and let them know how much they hurt me. As I got older, I would wonder what Kurt was up to. There were times I wanted to contact him, but I had no idea what I would say.  I knew he sent letters, but for better or worse I didn’t see them until I was an adult. I was left wondering about what was going on in his life.

It has always seemed natural to wonder about Kurt. I was very curious and there were times this created tension at home. I thought about Kurt and the divorce a lot. I didn’t really talk about it much; I just thought about it. Prior to leaving on my mission, I decided that at some point I would contact Kurt. I imagined that this meeting would be a triumphant confrontation that would help purge my anger.

When I left on my mission Alison managed my Facebook account. In March 2009 Shauna, Kurt’s sister, sent me a message via Facebook. The gist of the message was that they (her family) had waited for me to get older so that they could connect with me. Alison passed the message on to me.  On March 27, 2009, I wrote in my mission journal: “One crazy thing happened my aunt Shauna contacted me on Facebook and wants me to communicate back with her. I don’t know what I am going to do yet.”

This message surprised me. I never expected Kurt’s family would reach out to me. I didn’t want to make a rash decision, so I waited. Over the next month, I prayerfully considered what I should do. After serious contemplation, I sent Shauna a letter. She quickly wrote back and asked if it would be okay if other members of her family wrote to me. I consented. She also sent me Kurt’s address. This gave me a lot to think about. I carefully considered my response, and I waited for a few more months.

The day had come for me to reach out to Kurt. As I said earlier, I often imagined I would confront Kurt and take my anger out on him, but the more I thought like this, I became uncomfortable. I was a missionary; a messenger of Jesus Christ, and this attitude was incongruent with his atonement. I taught people every day about the infinite power of the atonement to heal both the sinner and the injured party. No sin or sadness falls outside the atonement of Jesus Christ, including mine and Kurt's. As I pondered what I should do, I realized a confrontation would not heal my aching heart. I made a choice at that moment to let go of the hate and resentment I felt.  This counsel from the Prophet Thomas S. Monson captures the lesson I learned about forgiveness: “The spirit must be freed from tethers so strong and feelings never put to rest, so that the lift of life may give buoyancy to the soul. In many families, there are hurt feelings and a reluctance to forgive. It doesn’t really matter what the issue was. It cannot and should not be left to injure. Blame keeps wounds open. Only forgiveness heals.”

I needed to forgive Kurt to find peace and to be able to move on. Elder Richard G. Scott taught this principle beautifully: “Bitterness and hatred are harmful. They produce much that is destructive. They postpone the relief and healing you yearn for. Through rationalization and self-pity, they can transform a victim into an abuser. Let God be the judge—you cannot do it as well as he can.”

So I wrote a letter to Kurt. It was hard. I wrote my feelings in a letter to Alison on February 23, 2010, “Everyone involved has suffered and a lot of punishment has been wrought. Even if it has not been wrought in full I am not the judge or the one to apply punishment. God will hold each person accountable. From this point on I want to take responsibility to build, not tear down. I want to let go of the junk. It is in the past and cannot be changed, but the future can be changed. It can be happy – if we let it. God knew what he was doing when he sent me to this family. He was keenly aware of the challenges I have faced and he never abandoned me. I believe I chose to come to this family and face these hardships so I could do my part to heal the many wounds that were created by Kurt’s actions. My Heavenly Father has given me the capacity to forgive everyone of the wrongs they did to me. It is not an easy thing to do, but I know that it is the right thing – it is what the Savior would do.”

After I put the letter to Kurt in the mail, I felt the fulfillment of this testimony made by President Faust, “With all my heart and soul, I believe in the healing power that can come to us as we follow the counsel of the Savior ‘to forgive all men.’ Writing this letter allowed me to forgive, and it was the first step toward moving on from the tragedy I endured as a child.

Kurt wrote back. It was a very nice letter. Among other things he wrote, “If you have an opportunity, I would love to hear more about you. I have always loved you and wanted to see you happy. I don’t know if you have questions for me, but you can ask me anything and I will give you an honest answer.” He has lived up to that statement and honestly answered all the questions I have asked. In our letters neither of us really dealt with past issues – we didn’t open old wounds. He mostly told me about his family and I told him about my mission. 

After I got home, I rekindled my relationship with Alison, pursued my education, and decided it was time to see Kurt. I was very nervous because it was the first time I had seen him in at least 15 years. I didn’t really know what I would do or say. Alison and I were recently engaged and I asked her to come with me - I am so glad she came. Her support meant a lot and helped me get through that moment. We got to Kurt’s house and I didn’t know if I could go up to the door. I almost turned around. Alison was the voice of reason and encouraged me to do what I knew I needed to do. We met Kurt, his wife Jen, and their three girls - Lyndsie, Sara, and Emily.

We talked for a few minutes, mostly small talk and then I asked Kurt if we could talk alone. We left and went for a walk around the block. I asked him hard questions and he was brutally honest about the mistakes he made. I appreciated his honesty. As he talked, I was sad but I felt no anger. This was the last time we would discuss the events of my childhood. I knew then the events which haunted my childhood were at last behind me. Elder Richard G.Scott put it so well: “You cannot erase what has been done, but you can forgive. Forgiveness heals terrible, tragic wounds, for it allows the love of God to purge your heart and mind of the poison of hate. It cleanses your consciousness of the desire for revenge. It makes place for the purifying, healing, restoring love of the Lord.”

During that same conversation, we also defined our relationship. He didn’t expect me to embrace him as a father. In fact, he didn’t expect anything from me. He made it clear that it was up to me to define the relationship and that he would never pressure me. He has lived up to that promise. Right now I don’t consider Kurt my father, but I am grateful for the relationship we have.

We have received the rare opportunity of a new beginning. We are making the most of this opportunity. Alison and I visit Kurt and his family once or twice a year. We also exchange letters and gifts around Christmas time. Getting to know Kurt, Jen, and the girls have been an overwhelmingly positive and rewarding experience. We enjoy telling them about the exciting things that happen in our lives and hearing about all the wonderful things going on with them. They are a very happy family. I don’t know what the future will bring, but I look forward to continuing our relationship.


Postscript:

The New York Times recently ran the story “Portraits of Reconciliation.” This article explores stories of forgiveness and reconciliation through the meetings of perpetrators and victims of the Rwandan Genocide 20 years after the event. Pieter Hugo took moving photographs of victims with the perpetrators and shared their stories. I came across this article while I was writing about my personal journey of forgiveness and reconciliation. I was touched by what the survivors had to say about forgiveness:

Nyiramana: “I was afraid of him — now I have granted him pardon, things have become normal, and in my mind, I feel clear.”

Mukabutera: “Now you accept and you forgive. The person you have forgiven becomes a good neighbor. One feels peaceful and thinks well of the future.”

Karorero: “But when it comes to forgiveness willingly granted, one is satisfied once and for all. When someone is full of anger, he can lose his mind. But when I granted forgiveness, I felt my mind at rest.”

Mukarwambari: “If I am not stubborn, life moves forward. When someone comes close to you without hatred, although horrible things happened, you welcome him and grant what he is looking for from you. Forgiveness equals mercy.”

Comments

Popular Posts