A New Beginning
When I was young my parents got divorced. I don’t personally
remember many of the troubles our household went through prior to the divorce, but I
have since learned my father, Kurt, made many choices that tore my
family apart.
Even though I didn’t fully understand what was happening I
knew there were a lot of problems. I can visualize myself as a little boy chasing my parent’s car to the end of the road and then crying uncontrollably on the curb as the car drives out
of sight. It was a very trying
time for my family.
Divorce is hard on any kid and this divorce was particularly
messy. I often felt like a pawn in my
parent’s game of chess. They both made choices that were difficult for me, as
a child, to understand. In the end, Kurt signed away parental rights leaving my siblings and me without a father.
The divorce had a profound effect on my life. I grew up
fast and learned to be responsible at a young age. I was also often angry. I
would like to say that I didn't need a father, but that would be a lie. The
truth is my heart ached for a father. I had many great father figures as I grew
up who had a strong influence on me, but they couldn't fill the hole that was
left in my childhood.
As I grew up, there were many times I thought about Kurt. At
first, I fantasized that my parents would reconcile and life would get back to
normal. After I came to terms with the reality this would never happen, there
were times I wished I could run away and have no parents. Other times I just
wanted to scream at both of them and let them know how much they hurt me. As I got
older, I would wonder what Kurt was up to. There were times I wanted to contact
him, but I had no idea what I would say.
I knew he sent letters, but for better or worse I didn’t see them until I was an adult. I was left wondering about what was going on in his
life.
It has always seemed natural to wonder about Kurt. I was
very curious and there were times this created tension at home. I thought about
Kurt and the divorce a lot. I didn’t really talk about it much; I just thought
about it. Prior to leaving on my mission, I decided that at some point I would
contact Kurt. I imagined that this meeting would be a triumphant confrontation
that would help purge my anger.
When I left on my mission Alison managed my Facebook
account. In March 2009 Shauna, Kurt’s sister, sent me a message via Facebook. The
gist of the message was that they (her family) had waited for me to get older
so that they could connect with me. Alison passed the message on to me. On March 27, 2009, I wrote in my mission journal: “One crazy thing
happened my aunt Shauna contacted me on Facebook and wants me to communicate
back with her. I don’t know what I am going to do yet.”
This message surprised me. I never expected Kurt’s
family would reach out to me. I didn’t want to make a rash decision, so I
waited. Over the next month, I prayerfully considered what I should do. After
serious contemplation, I sent Shauna a letter. She quickly wrote back and asked
if it would be okay if other members of her family wrote to me. I consented. She
also sent me Kurt’s address. This gave me a lot to think about. I carefully
considered my response, and I waited for a few more months.
The day had come for me to reach out to Kurt. As
I said earlier, I often imagined I would confront Kurt and take my anger out on
him, but the more I thought like this, I became uncomfortable. I was a missionary;
a messenger of Jesus Christ, and this attitude was incongruent with his
atonement. I taught people every day about the infinite power of the atonement to
heal both the sinner and the injured party. No sin or sadness falls outside the atonement of Jesus Christ, including mine and Kurt's. As I pondered what I
should do, I realized a confrontation would not heal my aching
heart. I made a choice at that moment to let go of the hate and resentment I felt. This counsel from the Prophet Thomas S. Monson captures the lesson I learned about forgiveness: “The spirit must be freed
from tethers so strong and feelings never put to rest, so that the lift
of life may give buoyancy to the soul. In many families, there are hurt
feelings and a reluctance to forgive. It doesn’t really matter what the issue was.
It cannot and should not be left to injure. Blame keeps wounds open. Only
forgiveness heals.”
I needed to forgive Kurt to find peace and to be able to
move on. Elder Richard G. Scott taught this principle beautifully: “Bitterness
and hatred are harmful. They produce much that is destructive. They
postpone the relief and healing you yearn for. Through rationalization
and self-pity, they can transform a victim into an abuser. Let God be the judge—you cannot
do it as well as he can.”
So I wrote a letter to Kurt. It was hard. I wrote my feelings in a letter to Alison on February 23, 2010, “Everyone
involved has suffered and a lot of punishment has been wrought. Even if it has
not been wrought in full I am not the judge or the one to apply punishment. God
will hold each person accountable. From this point on I want to take
responsibility to build, not tear down. I want to let go of the junk. It is in
the past and cannot be changed, but the future can be changed. It
can be happy – if we let it. God knew what he was doing when he sent me
to this family. He was keenly aware of the challenges I have faced and he never
abandoned me. I believe I chose to come to this family and face
these hardships so I could do my part to heal the many wounds that were
created by Kurt’s actions. My Heavenly Father has given me the capacity to forgive
everyone of the wrongs they did to me. It is not an easy thing to do,
but I know that it is the right thing – it is what the Savior would do.”
After I put the letter to Kurt in the mail, I felt the fulfillment
of this testimony made by President Faust, “With all my heart and soul, I
believe in the healing power that can come to us as we follow the counsel of
the Savior ‘to forgive all men.’ Writing this letter allowed me to forgive, and
it was the first step toward moving on from the tragedy I endured as a child.
Kurt wrote back. It was a very nice letter. Among other
things he wrote, “If you have an opportunity, I would love to hear more about
you. I have always loved you and wanted to see you happy. I don’t know if you
have questions for me, but you can ask me anything and I will give you an
honest answer.” He has lived up to that statement and honestly answered all the questions I have asked. In our letters neither of us really dealt with past
issues – we didn’t open old wounds. He mostly told me about his family and I
told him about my mission.
After I got home, I rekindled my relationship
with Alison, pursued my education, and decided it
was time to see Kurt. I was very nervous because it was the first time I had seen him in at least 15 years. I didn’t really
know what I would do or say. Alison and I were recently engaged and I asked her to come with me - I am so glad she came. Her support meant a lot and
helped me get through that moment. We got to Kurt’s house and I didn’t know if
I could go up to the door. I almost turned around. Alison was the voice of
reason and encouraged me to do what I knew I needed to do. We met Kurt, his
wife Jen, and their three girls - Lyndsie, Sara, and Emily.
We talked for a few minutes, mostly small talk and then I asked Kurt if we could talk alone.
We left and went for a walk around the block. I asked him hard questions and he
was brutally honest about the mistakes he made. I
appreciated his honesty. As he talked, I was sad but I felt no anger. This was
the last time we would discuss the events of my childhood. I knew then the events which haunted my childhood were at last behind me. Elder Richard G.Scott put it so well: “You cannot erase what has been done, but you
can forgive. Forgiveness heals terrible, tragic wounds, for it allows
the love of God to purge your heart and mind of the poison of hate. It cleanses
your consciousness of the desire for revenge. It makes place for the purifying,
healing, restoring love of the Lord.”
During that same conversation, we also defined our relationship. He didn’t expect
me to embrace him as a father. In fact, he didn’t expect anything from me. He
made it clear that it was up to me to define the relationship and that he would
never pressure me. He has lived up to that promise. Right now I don’t consider
Kurt my father, but I am grateful for the relationship we have.
We have received the rare opportunity of a new beginning. We
are making the most of this opportunity. Alison and I visit Kurt and his family
once or twice a year. We also exchange letters and gifts around Christmas time.
Getting to know Kurt, Jen, and the girls have been an overwhelmingly positive and rewarding experience. We enjoy telling them about the exciting things that happen
in our lives and hearing about all the wonderful things going on with them.
They are a very happy family. I don’t know what the future will bring,
but I look forward to continuing our relationship.
Postscript:
The New York Times recently ran the story “Portraits of Reconciliation.” This article explores stories of forgiveness and
reconciliation through the meetings of perpetrators and victims of the Rwandan
Genocide 20 years after the event. Pieter Hugo took moving photographs of
victims with the perpetrators and shared their stories. I came across
this article while I was writing about my personal journey of forgiveness and
reconciliation. I was touched by what the survivors had to say about
forgiveness:
Nyiramana: “I
was afraid of him — now I have granted him pardon, things have become normal, and in
my mind, I feel clear.”
Mukabutera:
“Now you accept and you forgive. The person you have forgiven becomes a good
neighbor. One feels peaceful and thinks well of the future.”
Karorero: “But
when it comes to forgiveness willingly granted, one is satisfied once and for
all. When someone is full of anger, he can lose his mind. But when I granted
forgiveness, I felt my mind at rest.”
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