My Pregnancy Story

As we come to the last month of my pregnancy, I wanted to reflect on the past eight months. Pregnancy was so much different than I thought it would be. I’ve experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

Learning I Was Pregnant

We had been actively trying to get pregnant for about six months and had experienced challenges due to my unpredictable cycles. Eric’s birthday was coming up on December 18, and we planned to go to Ruth’s Chris. We had decided that if I had started my period, we would share a bottle of wine over dinner, but if I hadn’t, we would behave as though I was pregnant. My plan was to take a pregnancy test on December 17 if I hadn’t started my period, although I fully expected it to be negative. On the morning of December 16, I woke up and thought, "What the hell, let’s test today.” Eric was already awake and out of bed. I took the test, set it down, and set a timer. I was so sure it was going to be negative that I wasn’t concerned about watching. When my timer went off, I walked back into the bathroom, saw the test out of the corner of my eye, and felt in my gut that I was pregnant. I picked up the test, and my suspicion was confirmed. Needless to say, we didn’t share a bottle of wine with Eric’s birthday dinner.

With shaking hands, I decided how to tell Eric. I considered waiting until his birthday to surprise him, but I knew I couldn’t keep it a secret for two days. Ultimately, I called him and told him that I needed him upstairs right now. I knew he was confused, so as soon as he walked in, I told him I was pregnant. He was so excited, with the biggest smile, and gave me a hug and kiss. I was still processing everything, and Eric asked me if I was happy because I imagine my emotions were hard to read. I told him that I was thrilled but still processing what this meant for us and our family.

Early Pregnancy

The first few weeks after learning I was pregnant were great. I found out about my pregnancy right at four weeks, so I had a few weeks before morning sickness kicked in. Around six weeks, I started to feel exhausted and generally unwell. My morning sickness was relatively mild; I only threw up a handful of times, but I just didn’t feel like myself. I was also really tired and spent a lot of time on the couch after work resting. Eric’s work in January is incredibly busy, so usually by the time he was finished working, I was ready for bed—sometimes as early as 7:30. Eric was a trooper and always went to bed when I did, but when I fell asleep, he would watch the shows I didn’t care about.

When I got pregnant, I also got hungry. I found myself eating more often than I did before. And if I didn’t eat, I often felt sicker. My favorite foods in early pregnancy were mashed potatoes, white rice, waffles, and mac & cheese. One day, I even had a wild craving for cornbread, so Eric whipped some up for me. I spent most of the first trimester resting on the sofa when I wasn’t working.

At 13 weeks, we learned our baby was a girl! I did a genetic blood test and waited impatiently for the results. I checked my phone incessantly, and on a Wednesday morning, I got them! I was so excited to be a girl mom. I called Eric, who was on his way to work, and told him. He couldn’t have been more thrilled. He wanted a baby girl to spoil so badly. We threw a gender reveal party that weekend and announced our baby girl using pink friendship bracelet cupcakes. Our family could not have been more excited for another girl.

Second Trimester

By around 13–14 weeks, I was finally feeling like myself again. I had more energy and was starting to see the tiniest baby bump. We went to California at 17 weeks and announced our pregnancy at Disneyland before flying to New Zealand. New Zealand was a dream. I had so much energy and was able to do all the things I wanted to (aside from drinking my favorite Sauvignon Blancs from NZ). One of my favorite memories from New Zealand was our first morning at Milford Sound. The hotel brought us breakfast in bed, and we opened the windows and enjoyed the most delicious breakfast with the most beautiful view. We also hiked Roys Peak, which was six miles uphill. It was challenging, but we did it, and the view from the top was gorgeous. Eric fell in love with Hobbiton—it was so immersive and charming. We talked about traveling with our daughter and taking her to some of the amazing places we had been.

We went to NYC around 23 weeks. This trip was also dreamy, and I was able to do all the things I wanted to. We went to baseball games and saw great shows on Broadway. We walked through Central Park and ate our favorite foods. When I think back on my pregnancy, this was the high point. I felt so happy dreaming about our family and couldn’t imagine anything going amiss.

Although I was happy, I noticed my mental health was suffering. I didn’t feel like doing things I used to enjoy. I wanted to stay home more. I was more irritable and lacked patience. I was concerned and made a note to talk to my doctor at my next appointment. I didn’t get the chance because, at 24 weeks, we received Eric’s MRI results that indicated a possibility of tuberous sclerosis. This threw me into a full mental health crisis. I engaged my midwife team, who quickly jumped into action with both medication and therapy. I will be forever grateful I reached out for help when I did. Unfortunately, this started the month from hell with regular panic attacks, little sleep, and severe anxiety.

At 25 weeks, Eric took a genetic test, and we jumped on a plane headed for Europe—just five days after receiving the MRI results. I hardly slept during those five days and was reading so much about tuberous sclerosis that I became somewhat of an expert on the condition (which didn’t help my anxiety). The Europe trip could not have been better timed. We were both concerned about the possibility of TSC, but we were able to put it behind us and enjoy Europe because we couldn’t do anything further until we received Eric’s genetic test results. Europe was dreamy. I didn’t have panic attacks, I was able to get some rest, and we had the best time together. I will forever remember our time at Versailles so fondly. We had slow days and just enjoyed being together. And Taylor Swift was unbelievable! I still can’t believe we got to see her perform in Paris with our baby girl in my belly.

Eric adored Ireland, and I really enjoyed it as well. It was so green and beautiful. There were some hard moments due to early flights and lack of sleep, but we enjoyed driving through the Irish countryside together. Madeline became more active in my belly, and I could regularly feel her move, especially after I ate. I have some really happy memories from Ireland. However, on our second-to-last night, we received Eric’s TSC diagnosis, and I completely fell apart. I spent most of our day in Dublin in tears. We went to a church together, and I lit a candle and prayed like I had never prayed before that our baby would be OK. This was easily the hardest thing I had ever been through.

We came home from Europe and immediately jumped into action to figure out what this diagnosis meant for our family. It was difficult to get answers for Eric, but we found that people were willing to act incredibly quickly to help with the baby and pregnancy. The first morning we were back, I went in for a blood test that would help us learn if Madeline had TSC. We also had an MFM appointment mid-week, followed by a marathon hospital appointment at the end of the week, where we did an MRI, ultrasound, met with the genetic counselor, and did the amniocentesis.

During this time, I had a really hard time enjoying the pregnancy. I didn’t feel like myself and was so scared. I don’t think I could have made it through without Eric. I would regularly wake him in the middle of the night to help me fall back asleep during panic attacks. The wait for answers felt like forever, and I was in so much mental pain. I was triggered when I saw my belly in the mirror or when I felt my baby move. We closed the nursery door and put all the cute baby clothes in a closet where I wouldn’t see them. We were just trying to survive. Thank God for therapists, friends, and family during this time.

Third Trimester

At 28 weeks, we learned our baby girl was going to be OK! We couldn’t have been more thrilled, and the news couldn’t have come at a better time—on our 13th anniversary. I cried tears of joy. We will forever remember Lucky 13. From there, we moved full steam ahead with baby preparations. My mental health improved significantly. It was a combination of relief, therapy, and my meds finally becoming effective. I had a really impactful therapy appointment during this period, as I was still processing everything that had happened. We discussed that even though I had shut the nursery door and tried to “forget” I was pregnant, I was still connecting with my baby by learning about her. I was making decisions with her at the forefront of my mind. Even though we experienced a month of pure hell, it was only a portion of my pregnancy and doesn’t define the entire experience.

We also decided around this time that Madeline was likely an only child. While we could do IVF to safely have another baby, neither of us really wanted to undertake the mental and physical challenges of conceiving via IVF. While I was sad about this initially, it helped me embrace the rest of my pregnancy, knowing that this was the only time I would be pregnant. It made the kicks feel extra special.

We started prenatal education during the third trimester, which we found extremely helpful. We took a prepared childbirth class that taught us coping mechanisms and helped us draft our birth plan. We also did a hospital tour to understand where to go when the time came. The car seat safety class was hugely beneficial to ensure we knew how to install the car seat safely for our baby girl. We also took a “What to Expect as New Parents” class that helped us learn how to bathe, swaddle, and perform emergency measures once Madeline arrived.

We also did an overnight getaway in Park City as a last hurrah as a family of two. We had so much fun lounging by the pool, eating fancy food, and just being together. My pregnancy symptoms stayed mild during the early third trimester, although it was very hot to be pregnant in the summer. We bought a fan at Costco that lived next to my side of the bed and blew on me all night to help me stay cool.

We continued our prenatal education by taking a mindfulness and meditation class, which was one of the most helpful classes we took. It taught us a lot of coping mechanisms for labor, and we got to practice several tools. It felt good to have tools in our toolbelt heading into the birth. Around 37 weeks, I felt ready to give birth and didn’t want to be pregnant anymore. Madeline had other plans and stayed snugly inside. I felt her move constantly and loved it. She was curled up so tight on my right side. We joked that she didn’t like my left side because she never moved over there. Her feet were in my side for weeks, and her bum was just to the left of my belly button. I was also starting to feel really uncomfortable and big. It was hard to move around, and I was generally exhausted. I developed carpal tunnel, and my feet swelled to huge sizes. Eric and I went on a walk together every morning, and I worked out several days a week on an exercise ball. My workout intensity went way down, and my sleep went way up.

To try to induce labor, we tried everything. I ate six dates per day, went to acupuncture twice a week starting at 38 weeks, curb-walked, bounced on the exercise ball, and continued our daily walks. At 40 weeks, I completely replaced my office chair with an exercise ball and spent 90 minutes a day doing the Miles Circuit. I routinely googled ways to naturally induce labor, but Madeline wanted to stay cozy and didn’t want to budge. I guess the silver lining was that I had created a good home for her, and she didn’t want to leave. We scheduled an induction for September 3 (41+2 weeks) but also requested to be put on the waitlist for an induction on August 30. We were surprised when, late in the afternoon on August 29, the hospital called and told us they could induce me that night if I wanted to come in. I couldn’t resist the chance to hold my baby girl the next day, so off to the hospital we went to give birth to the most perfect baby girl.